January issue 2010

By | News & Politics | Published 9 years ago

Politics in Pakistan can be many things: complex, frustrating, shameful, regressive . . . and the list goes on. But it is, without fail, always interesting.

Here is a lighthearted look at Pakistani politics, from A to Z.
A

Army: Pakistan’s largest conglomerate of businessmen and real estate agents.

B

Benazir Bhutto: Since December 27, 2007, the first two words of every government programme, including boxing championships.

C

constitution

 

 

 

 

 

 

Constitution: An unchanging document that has proved so popular it spawned two sequels and nearly 20 spin-offs.

D

Go-dubai-flaten

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dubai: The political and financial capital of Pakistan. Its residents include Asif Zardari and all the money that should have gone to the CBR.

E

Election: What Imran Khan and previously Asghar Khan call for every time a national crisis erupts.

F

Fazlullah: Most vocal advocate of polio vaccinations and women’s rights in Pakistan. Has recently moved to Afghanistan for some R&R.

G

GHQ: Supposed to be the central HQ of the army. Has less security than your local dhaba.

H

Nawaz1

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair: What Nawaz Sharif and Imran Khan have miraculously grown after turning 50.

I

imran-newsline

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Imran Khan: A politician who receives media coverage inversely proportionate to his political influence.

J

Jamaat-e-Islami: Sees Jews, Christians and Hindus under every bed.

K

Pakistani-Islamic-party-Anj

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kerry-Lugar Bill: Legislation that disproved the maxim “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

L

Long March: A yearly fashion show with the world’s longest ramp featuring lawyers with killer bhangra moves.

M

Martyr: A description initially given to those who died carrying out terrorist attacks in Kashmir. Since 9/11, used to describe those who kill the former martyrs, now known as terrorists.

N

Nuclear Weapons: Pakistan’s chief export.

O

obama-hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obama: Deliverer of peace, one drone at a time.

P

Predator: Gets rid of the pesky over population problem in North Waziristan.

Q

Quorum: What the National Assembly’s members are rarely able to meet.

R

Rehman Malik: The least reassuring presence at the scene of a terrorist attack.

S

SMS: A technological innovation that allows the easy transmission of anti-Zardari jokes.

T

marvi-memon-gilgit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Twitter: What Marvi Memon uses to give migraines to all her followers on the micro-blogging website. Also used by Memon to show off her abbreviation skills.

U

uncle-sam-stop-whining

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

USA: Similar to the significant other who you hate but must get along with because he keeps you in diamonds.

V

Visa: Pakistan’s first casualty of 9/11.

W

wheat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wheat: In shorter supply than Kalashnikovs and bombs.

X

blackwater-logo
Xe: Xe aka Blackwater aka DynCorp. Similar to the kid in The Sixth Sense, Shireen Mazari sees their employees everywhere.

Y

YouTube: Where Pakistani political indiscretions are immortalised.

Z

Pakistan's newly sworn-in President Asif Ali Zardari smiles as he stands in front of a portrait of his slain wife Benazir Bhutto as he leaves after a joint press conference with his Afghan counterpart Hamid Karzai (unseen) at The Presidential Palace in Islamabad on September 9, 2008. Zardari, who took office as President and his Afghan counterpart Hamid Karzai said they would stand together in the fight against terrorism. AFP PHOTO/Aamir QURESHI

 

 

 

 

 

Zardari: The widower with the perpetual grin.

Nadir Hassan is a Pakistan-based journalist and assistant editor at Newsline.