I write this not as a journalist but as a common, ‘apathetic’ citizen of Pakistan who has withdrawn from the discourse on the dreaded OBL, who is now dead — we hope.

How are Pakistanis responding to Osama Bin Laden’s death? This is the question being asked in the western media. So as a Pakistani who is not defined by the Pakistan government, military, ISI, terrorist and banned outfits, right-wingers and sensationalist, conspiracy-mongering media, and whose existence the West conveniently blindfolds itself to, I want to say I feel relief, that I can finally say “good riddance,” but we Pakistanis know it’s not something we have the luxury to feel, or are even allowed to feel right now.

Why?

Not because of threats by Al Qaeda, Tehreek-e-Taliban, etc. No. But because now, like so many other times when events of global significance take place, we must think and fear and dread and speculate about what will happen to us and to our country.

So from being bombed back to the dark ages to more covert operations (both of which include more blood, more civilian casualties and, simply speaking, more death and destruction) this is what we’re thinking about and expecting. So forgive us if we don’t join the US and the world in its triumph and victory dances. Because if you’ve forgotten, we’re the outlaws, we do not stand on equal footing with the rest of the world, so how can we minions and lesser beings possibly join the rest of the world, shoulder to shoulder, in the celebrations?

There is also anger and resentment directed at our government, military, agencies and whoever else is involved and supposedly not involved. There is a feeling of being cheated — yet again. Of being sold out, again. And of being played with and fooled, still.

Truth be told, on all levels, I am sick of being stuck in the post-modern dilemma, where uncertainty reigns supreme and meaning (and truth) is forever deferred. It’s tiresome and draining. On a personal level, I battle the journalist in me, who wants to absorb all that is being said on the issue, be it on TV, in the papers or on social media and obsesses over it knowing that the word play will lead to nothing groundbreaking. Facts will not suddenly reveal themselves. Moreover, the likelihood of an issue becoming murkier is greater. The outcome will eventually either be extremely predictable or remain inconclusive (to be concluded in books that will be written in the years that follow).

And then there is the apathetic citizen in me who has been absorbing so much of the death, destruction, intrigue, but most of all confusion surrounding every “big” issue that I just want to withdraw and shut myself off to this world. There is also the urge, as a literature grad, to pull out Orwell’s 1984 and Rowling’s Harry Potter among others, and replace original names with those from the OBL saga.

But most of all, I am sick of the distinctions that are just not being made in the western media between the Pakistan government, military, ISI, terrorist outfits and Pakistani citizens. Only an idiot will fail to note that none (of the above-mentioned) see eye-to-eye, or are confidantes of one another. I take offence to the term “Pakistan” being applied to each one of them without a disclaimer about who is being referred to — there is no collective representation. If anything, we are a divided nation, and so understand that and treat us as such. Be specific about whom you refer. Do not apply “Pakistan” to any group as a blanket term to imply Pakistan as a whole. There is no such identity, no such reality.