Death (and taxes, if you’re not a resident of Dubai, Monaco or an off-shore tax haven) may be the only certainty in this world and the media can be relied upon to accelerate the process. A letterpublished in The News yesterday shows how the media jumps the gun when penning obituaries (via Saba Imtiaz).

It is indeed shocking to know through an article which appeared in your newspaper on Sept 27 titled “The Taliban and the Salarzais” by Farhat Taj that I am dead and that the ISI is responsible for my killing. It is to bring to the notice of all that I am very much alive and can be contacted on telephone no 0300-7044755. It is highly regrettable that the news of someone’s death is published without verification. The writer must apologise for the trauma caused to my family and well-wishers.

Malik Munasib Khan

Spokesman, Salarzais Lashkar

Bajaur Agency

Mr Khan can rest easy (not in his grave, thankfully) knowing that this is hardly the first instance that the death of a public figure has been announced prematurely. In July last year, PTV, whose initial report was quickly picked up by all other news channels, killed off Ahmed Faraz more than one month before his death. Other public figures unwittingly consigned to their graves by the Pakistani electronic media include Yasser Arafat and the Pope, although, to be fair, Arafat’s death notice was prompted by an erroneous report by a foreign news channel.

The motive behind this rush to kill off celebrities is obvious: being the first to report on a big news item brings in extra viewers. The same principle was in play when media networks rushed to declare a victor in the 2000 US presidential election.

On a related note, obituary writers may have the most macabre job in the world. Once a newsworthy person reaches a certain advanced age, newspapers and television stations already begin writing obituaries and preparing packaged reports so that they are not caught flat-footed when death inevitably comes. Comedian Bobe Hope, however, wheezed into his nineties and even ended up outliving his  New York Times obituary writer by two years.

But The News, and other news organisations in Pakistan that have misreported a person’s death, need not worry too much. As this Wikipedia list of premature obituaries shows, the practice has a long history. And while Malik Munasib Khan may have shown great humour in refuting his death, his words may not end up becoming as famous as those of Mark Twain who, after reading his obituary in the New York Journal in 1897, said “Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”