Now that Pakistan has earned an all too rare victory against India in a major tournament, let’s practice restraint and refrain from gleefully rubbing this win in their faces. I can promise that this post will discuss the match in a civil and sober manner — right after I retell a few Indian cricket team jokes that were sent to me via text message.

There is the old one about the Indian cricket board replacing their cricket pitches with cardboard. Why? Because the Indian team always looks better on paper.

Or how about the one about the Indian player who was asked if his terrible performance was due to ignorance or apathy? He replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

And, in honour of Gary Kirsten’s notorious sex dossier, “What is the difference between an Indian cricketer and a condom?” “One drops a catch and the other catches a drop.”

On to the point-by point analysis of the match:

1. Shoaib Malik and Rahul Dravid played very similar innings. Both struggled for the first half of their innings, before finding form once they were settled. But where Malik kicked on and took Pakistan to a winning total, Dravid was cruelly run out by his partner Harbhajan Singh. The roles, and the result of the match, could so easily have been reversed, especially since Malik spent most his innings with Mohammed Yousuf, who has never been the best judge of a run.

2. The eventual margin of victory was relatively comfortable but this could have been a thrashing were it not for the 40-odd runs Pakistan gave away in free hits. Pakistan bowled seven no-balls, India none. It didn’t matter today but this profligacy does not bode well for Pakistan’s chances in the semi finals.

3. Still, does anyone even care if Pakistan goes on to win the tournament? We beat India, and usually that’s all that matter. You can be sure that for the next week the players are going to be celebrating this win by chugging Rooh Afzah.

4. How great was it to see Mohammed Yousuf back to his beautiful best. Even while Malik was unable to score, Yousuf looked in great touch. A year away from international cricket has done nothing to ruin Yousuf’s elegance and fluency.

5. Shahid Afridi and Saeed Ajmal have formed the most potent bowling (not just spin) combination in limited-overs cricket. Between them, they took four wickets at under four runs an over. That won the match right there.

6. We all know Afridi, what with his Lady Liberty poses and all, is a total stud. He also seems to consider himself a non-heterosexual version of James McAvoy. In the T20 World Cup it was his flying kiss to Jacques Kallis; tonight he planted one on Shoaib Malik’s cheek. Cue the Pathan jokes.

7. Kudos to 17-year-old Mohammed Aamir, who recovered from a horrific opening spell replete with no-balls, to bowl an incisive spell at a time when India still had a shot at victory.

8. We have short memories and poor performances against India can doom a career, but Umar Gul should be cut some slack. Yes, he bowled horrifically today but his form over the past year has earned him a lot of goodwill. One bad day doesn’t change anything.

9. In my last post, I had said that Pakistan should not, under any circumstances, recall Mohammed Asif for this all-important game. I stand by that but would now like him to be brought into the team for the game against Australia. Even a loss to the Aussies shouldn’t stop us from reaching the semi-finals so we need to give Asif a game and see if he is ready to replace the mediocre Rana Naveed.

10. The era of the commentator as a disinterested observer died some time back and tonight Wasim Akram did the Watusi on its grave. The timbre of his voice fluctuated with Pakistan’s fortunes. As Pakistan sleepwalked their way through the first half of their innings, Wasim issued a Thom Yorke-like yelp. That soon blossomed into a tenor that would have made Pavarotti envious.